The decent into the gorge was a steady and steep decline. The once bright, golden morning sun that warmed me is now filtered through the lush canopy, allowing a chill to settle upon my skin. A cool breath of a breeze reaches up from the forest below. The bending the tree branches whisper to the residents that a witch walks among them this day. Was it a welcome? Was it a warning? I felt their presence. I felt their eyes. I felt their curiosity as I made my way along the slow and twisting path. I could feel an energy building the entire week. Was it all leading up to this moment? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was there. It has been a long push though the many months of very deep shadow work with the upheavals of sorrow and grief mixed with generous gifts of grace and joy. I thought I had worked through and integrated the last piece of it, but I understand that there is always another piece. With each step I took, I reflected on the intention I set before entering through the gate. I felt there was something waiting for me below. But what? Could the intense dreams and feelings I experienced this week have stirred something up for me? Only time will tell me now.
Reaching the bottom of the gorge humbled me. Standing among the stone giants, I felt so small. Their immense physical form cast long shadows all around me. The thin, needle like fingers of light pointed out the steps in the pathway, splashing me with the warmth from the surface world above. These guardians, these sentient beings, have witnessed life for over thousands of years. They stand tall, firmly in place, offering themselves to the land and creatures around them. Only the sheer force of Mother Nature herself moved them thousands of years before me. There is a lot to learn from these steadfast keepers of earth. I remind myself that we both contain the minerals of earth and that I am only here in this body for a mere blink of an eye. How do I respond in the face of adversity? Am I able to solidly stand in my shape and form to guard against harm and the storms within and around me? No, not always. Can I grow and thrive like the massive trees and spongy moss that root and grow in the spaces around them because of their steadfastness? It is my hope to do so. I offer my respect to the granite giants as I carefully make my way around them, absorbing the lessons they silently teach.
The truth is, there is more to this journey that I am even aware of. It calls my name through the rushing river. It beckons me through the mist that kisses my face from splash of the waterfalls. Spiders commune as they line the spaces between the rocks in the caves with their intricate webs weaving hints to the mysteries in which I seek. I feel it swell inside my being. I feel the electricity charge my skin. A tingling sensation courses through my nerves. The waves of anxiety from squeezing through the increasingly tight spaces are gently recognized and released with deep breaths. As my energy expands, I feel the counterpressure from the task at hand pushing against me. Will I give up and release my intention for this journey or will I keep pressing forward and see this spiritual quest to completion? There is no harm in bypassing the caves, right? Maybe. However, if I did that, I would know I did not live up to the challenge I placed upon myself. Do I push through my fear to see where I can go or do I allow myself the cautious comfort and maybe try again at another time? Memories flood my mind as images are played back to me where I sat on the sidelines countless times, convincing myself that I wasn’t qualified for the challenge. Life and the time we have are precious. I don’t want to be trapped in the whirlpool of ‘what could have been’ any longer. My decision made, I stood up once again and the crows began calling in the distance. With their encouragement and my mind made up, I will push myself through the fear in my head and embrace the deeper descent into the dark cave below.
From the light and into the darkness, I emerged and descended again and again. I was slow, steady, and thoughtful in my steps. The boulder caves were not very large yet, they were a trial all the same. Each move I made had purpose and held a cost. I wanted to be safe yet open to the experience as a I traveled. I was cautious of my surroundings and tried to keep my thoughts in good order. Walking with reverence was not only important to me but respectful to this magickal world I was granted passage in. A slip of perspective in my mind could potentially allow a slip in this physical world as well. Measured balance was key and I worked diligently to keep it.
Being in the bellies of the stone giants, it was dark, slick, damp, and isolating. I felt separated from the surface world and all that resided upon it. Even as the sunlight would sometimes pierce through the cracks and spaces between the hulking titans and into the tomb of darkness, it was only my eyes that witnessed the sacred space in that moment. It was in that darkness where I felt pieces of me crumble. Stones were being piled upon my heart and shoulders from the shells and roots of memories I thought I already released. The layers upon layers of life provide the proof that the spiral we walk will always wind. It is vital for the alchemical process of transformation. Cold drops of mountain water dripped upon my body from above, awakening me once again to the present moment. Was I being anointed for the next test? Again, only time will tell. However, with cave after cave behind me, there was a sense of encouragement that compelled me to keep moving forward.
There it was. The mouth of the cave that would soon swallow me whole. I felt its spirit it study me as I approached. I took a moment and centered myself. Stillness washed over me as I humbly repeated my intention in a whisper and sent it down to the world below. Granted permission to enter as a witch, I crawled beneath the colossal boulder with only enough space to pass on my elbows and toes moving deeper into utter darkness. The image of a serpent flashed in my mind. My ally encouraging the power to shapeshift; leaving the human trappings behind me. I willing sloughed off a layer of mortal skin, exposing my vulnerability and my soul laying bare.
The rocks were slick with water and a residue of mud and slime. Carefully, I slithered on. Not too far away now was a small beam of sunlight that was enough to softly illuminate the cave. The roar of the waterwall was overwhelming as it splashed upon my face, escaping the pool below it. Out from under the wall of rock, I slowly gathered myself to my hands and knees. Witness such intimate, natural beauty and magick overwhelmed me. For this cave is often closed due to flooding, and in this moment, I am here with a grateful and fully open heart.
I dropped my head into my hands as tears began to stream from my eyes. With my cheek upon the floor, I could feel the weight that I had been carrying for so long finally let me go. The pillars of my inner stonework began to fall away releasing me into a sweet surrender. The broken pieces I no longer needed were carried away by the rushing mountain waters, dissolving as it passed. Then, his presence emerged. The Dark God who resides within these stone walls, made his voice quite clear. His words were not booming. They were not threatening. They were not scary or even judgmental. They were short and kind. They were direct, honest, and needed. In that moment, I took those words and brought them not only into the shelter of my heart, but into the very fiber of my being. Those few words will never be forgotten. And they were meant for only me. I stood within the Dark God’s Hall at the water’s edge, savoring this powerful moment when I felt the presence of the Dark Mother. She, who holds the power of the womb and the tomb, whispered a blessing and allowed me to anoint myself in her sacred waters. It was a blessing that cleansed and aided me in this sacred rite of transformation. When it was time, I offered love and gratitude for this experience and made my way back up into the bright world above me. Crossing the mysterious threshold of life, death, and rebirth once more, I felt as if I was seeing the world with fresh new eyes, sharing connections that are stronger than ever before.
I wanted to share this experience with you not only to offer a glimpse into how I see the world, but to show you that there is so much more to this life that we all share. I understand that there is so much anger and fear out in the world. I have felt the pain and heartache. I feel the grief and anger that is displayed for all to see. As a result, I too, want to pull away and retreat into a place where there is no pain or sorrow. I get angry. I want to cut my ties with the madness of society and disconnect from the harshness of the day. But do I really want to disconnect? Do I really want to abandon the work and service I feel I am called to do? No. I do not. However, when I am in the darkness of such painful depths, I remind myself of a simple truth: I am connected to this beautiful world and everyone in it. This helps to bring me back into the beauty and grace of this path.
I know I am not the only one that feels this way. There are so many witches, psychics, visionaries, healers, teachers, artists, and beautiful souls in the world that also feel this deeply. We are here in these difficult times to work our magick, offer sacred space, and to create and inspire beauty while we bear witness and offer comfort to those experiencing pain in our communities. We are here in these difficult times to raise a voice, extend our hands and hearts to those in need. We are not in a separate world from the trees, rocks, and rivers around us. We are not a single unit upon this earth either. We are part of the living tapestry of life, woven together to create a vibrant world. Lessons are to be learned everywhere we look. When we can truly connect to this world and feel the pulse of life that beats through us all, we know we are not alone. We never were. It is our human brain and conditioning that helps create that separateness. As a result, we can fall into the trappings of making those who do not agree with us into something else, dividing us even further. Yes, while it is true that we must physically experience some things for and by ourselves, the connections we foster, will assist us as we walk. We are only one piece to a beautiful puzzle. There is so much wonder, mystery, and magick all around us. By taking it all into our mind and spirit, we can see the way to the other side of strife and discord by going through it, gently deconstructing and releasing as we go. With the knowledge we learn from this process, we can begin to model the lessons we learn. When we trust ourselves and our connections, we can and keep moving forward as we walk this sacred spiral. The only way out of the darkness is to go through it, embracing it along the way.
Be well upon your journey and may you find what you need.
Renee Bedard ~ The Whispering Crow
The Whispering Crow 